Flashback
Toie, a former blockmate has graduated from Law School. She's having a party Friday night. I have been thinking about it lately, I can't seem to put into words how I am feeling. It's like there is a part of me that shares her success but then, half of me is still mired in the muck called failure, which creates this envy I do not like to acknowledge. There has been a constant questioning echoing in my mind or in my spirit, wherever it emanates from, a re-assessment of sorts going on. Has it been worth it? These three years? What would I have missed had I gone on what seemed to be a long, arduous road? Friends? Work? Connecting with my family more intimately? Fun or what I thought would be it?
At times, I think, my new goal is my way of trying to compensate such that when I feel I am farther from it than when I started, the cynicism and the discouragement is also more intense. It doesn't help that people in the past keep coming back along with their friendly admonitions to me to return to what I left. There's no question I can do it, with the right attitude, environment, situations and people. The question is do I want it or do I merely enjoy the company of peers, the learning process, the potential and growth which lures me? There is also this sensitive, creative side of me which may be threatened and stifled if I went through it again. I guess this will go on and on until I succeed in my present endeavor. What to make of it when success seems so elusive is still another dilemma?
To Kiss or Not To Kiss
I'm short of hitting my head on the wall repeatedly. It's 5:32 AM. Haven't slept a wink. I drank coffee the evening before, which I normally don't do. Except I had dinner with a friend to thresh out issues and coffee was the perfect partner. My issue is that I met this guy for the first time and he made several attempts to kiss me but I, obviously still brainwashed from my Catholic upbringing, backed out and missed out on what could have been an even greater night. So afraid was I that I might actually enjoy it. And so engrossed about what other people might think.
Contrary to popular impression, I'm such a passionate and intensely feeling person which leads me to fear what I'm capable of doing and what would normally compel people to be inspired and do wondrous things would produce inaction on my part. It is a constant dilemma and right now, I am at my wit's end. It does not help that I have not even heard from the person in question and the thought that I have successfully pushed someone away again is not good at all.
Seriously, the prospect of being swallowed up whole by the earth seems more appealing in the face of this self-inflicted torture.
If somebody has seen my sanity floating around, please bring it back. I need to function as I used to before all this.
Friday
-SM City errands so Abby met me there
-Friday no work
-He was friends with Abby's boyfriend
-Tagaytay, nice and cool
-He-completely different, adventurous, expressive, confident, secure
-Why? perhaps a lesson in knowing oneself, an inspiration to expand my horizons, travel, "you are responsible for yourself," Shawn said, wanting to be alone with my friend. But now I think about that line and I think I'll live my life. Abroad is the way to go. Out of the shadows of this suffocating, structured life. This is the only way I could find myself, or whatever I have lost.
-It will happen if it is meant to. Like stumbling upon that tea party, just in time. While doing nothing at work.
Saturday
Haven't had time to do this but I just have to write things down.
-found the International University of Japan's website and great opportunities and programs while I was googling idle time at work.
-met two alumni now in DFA
-3 people in the tea party is working or worked at RCBC Plaza, same building of my office
-Eliza treated us to her birthday party tonight at a Japanese restaurant
-she has just been to Japan recently and has been studying Nihonggo, like Pete, who mentioned some scholarship he saw on the paper.
-does this mean I really am going?hmm.cool.
Looking Back
I flicked through the channels when I sat down to watch some tv after work. Everything was about reviewing events, trends, fashion. I picked up the papers and I was faced with the same thing. Like I was also into retrospection earlier on the drive home. Introspective, that's what I have always been. Have I changed? Circumstances. Not better big time. Different but not so. I'm still in my comfort zone. Still afraid. Still alone. Stubborn. Unfriendly. Prone to bouts of anxiety and maybe even mild depression. Wanting to do more but always hesitant, bound. Passive. Waiting for my luck to turn...or not. Always needing this and that. A friend? Nothing's left but recollections, pieces that remind. I do not know if those make life richer or perhaps they make it heavier.
Here I am inducing those tears again.